I Hate Celebrities

For today’s blog entry, I originally planned a provocative and thought-provoking essay about the war against bio-terrorism and how the future of warfare is constantly changing military tactics and government policies. Then I remembered all of the exciting celebrity news that’s changing the world around us, so I scrapped my original draft. Folks, I keep track of celebrity happenings pretty well, but I know I can’t compete with the flashy style of Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, The Insider, and Extra. But dang it, I’m gonna try.

For starters, here’s a shot of Mary Hart in a shirt that’s completely inappropriate for a woman her age.

Now, the story everybody’s talking about: (Note: celebrity news stories are required by law to start with this disclaimer) the breakup of Paris and Paris. That’s right, the nation is reeling over the breakup of Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis, the Greek shipping heir who became famous for not only getting engaged to the “Simple Life” starlet, but also for making countless news outlets write the phrase “Greek shipping heir” for the first time. Many are wondering what Paris Hilton will do with the 24 carat, $5 million dollar engagement ring. My sources tell me that no matter what Hilton decides, it won’t affect our lives whatsoever, and you deserve to be beaten if wondering what she'll do has crossed your mind even once. Despite the breakup, Hilton is doing okay. In fact, rumors are already circulating she’s dating 20-year-old Greek millionaire Stavros Niarchos. Also, tabloids are reporting that Hilton has been spotted with a young doctor. However, it was later confirmed the young doctor was actually representing the Centers for Disease Control, continuing their weekly plea for Hilton to donate a pair of her panties so they can have a one-stop source for every disease ever encountered by mankind.

New details have come to light about Demi Moore’s last-minute marriage to "That 70’s Show" hunk, Ashton Kutcher. Reports are indicating Moore’s ex-husband, Bruce Willis, attended the wedding and even gave a heartwarming speech congratulating the couple. In a related story, upon hearing the news of the wedding, every single news outlet on the face of the planet wrote a headline that was something along the lines of “Demi and Ashton Wedding: Real or Punk’d?” Are headline writers even trying anymore?

Oscar-winner Nicholas Cage and second wife Alice Kim recently celebrated the birth of their baby boy, who Cage chose to name after Superman, his favorite superhero. You’re probably thinking Clark, right? Nope, not by a long shot. The couple named their son Kal-El, Superman’s Kryptonian birth name. This makes the baby’s full name Kal-El Coppola Cage. The couple is happy to have the healthy baby boy, who is healthy in the sense that he is not yet severely emotionally damaged for being named after a fictional character’s alien birthname. As you read this, child services are probably on their way to the Cage estate. While Cage feels pretty fan-boyish right now for his baby name, he can’t top my love for Superman. My firstborn’s name will be Jor-El Mxyzptlk Bizarro Doomsday Luthor Gregory.

Now for an Atomic Soap Box Exclusive! I recently got a chance to interview Tom Cruise, one of the world’s biggest movie stars, on the set of his upcoming movie, which is currently titled "Mission: Impossible 3: Hopefully Better Than Mission: Impossible 2." Here’s my interview:

Atomic Soap Box: Thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk to me.
Tom Cruise: No problem, I’m a big fan of your site.
ASB: How nice! First off, I have to know: how awesome is M:I3 going to be? I’m so excited about this film! I might have to take some Valium to calm myself!
TC: Look, that’s a really irresponsible thing to say. You haven’t studied psychiatry, but I have. All this medicine they’re prescribing to people is completely unnecessary. For instance, look at Brooke Shields. I read where she suffered from postpartum depression and even though I know nothing about Mrs. Shields, her medical history, her condition, pregnancy, being a woman, or heterosexual relationships that are not forced publicity stunts, I feel she is sending a horrible message to others.
ASB: Well, I’m sorry. I wasn’t being serious about taking Valium. I was just joking about the fact that I’m so excited-
TC: I’ve studied this stuff. I am a SCIENTOLOGIST. (Editor’s Note: Cruise made me type this all-caps due to its importance, exclusivity, and sign of his good character. He also said it makes him better than you.) These doctors should be prosecuted for diagnosing these fake diseases and prescribing these corrupting medicines. Like just the other day, some fool doctor told me he thought I was a bipolar schizophrenic. I punched him in the face and proceeded to look for the hidden Nazi bomb that I broke into his office to find.
ASB: Fascinating. How are wedding plans going? Is Katie excited?

This is all I got to transcribe from the interview, as Cruise began jumping up and down excitedly, overturning his chair and smashing my tape recorder in the process. After I finally caught up with Cruise two hours later as he was running full-speed up the interstate screaming about his love, I thanked him for taking the time to talk with me.

I hope you enjoyed my exciting celebrity news roundup. Don’t forget to read my next installment! You won't want to miss my exclusive interview with Kate Moss where I asked her if she prefers Pepsi or Coke. Until then, remember to keep reaching for the stars!