Now I Can Clutter Up the Internet, Too

Here it is folks. This is my first attempt at a web log, or “blog” as the kids call it. I can already hear the shouts from some of you. You’re calling me a liar and declaring I deserve to have my face ripped off by a jackal. You’re saying that because you know I’ve had blogs in the past. My first blog had a pretty decent following considering how unprofessional and bizarre it was. How bizarre you ask? It featured an ongoing story about Harriet Tubman being a werewolf slayer. My second blog was actually pretty recent. I started it over at 1up.com, a video game site that shockingly enough, does not care to hear my complaints about “The Tony Danza Show.” Sadly, my rant about Danza was the only entry I ever had. Hey, only the good die young. Due to these awful first attempts, I consider this to be my first blog because I am going to attempt to update regularly and produce some polished commentary. Lord knows I have the time given my lack of employment! Hahahahaha! I will starve to death.

It’s actually pretty amazing that I’m even attempting to do this when you consider how much I hate blogs. I don’t pretend to constantly have insightful things to say, but I like to think I can do better than post what music I’m currently listening to, what mood I’m in today, and how my trip to the mall was productive yet nowhere near as exciting as the funny thing that happened tonight at T.G.I. Fridays. You know the blogs I’m talking about. They’re the ones decorated with kitten clip art and constant misspellings. While I understand that typos happen, “were” instead of “we’re” and “your” instead of “you’re” are not typos; they are a cry for help.

The other problem with blogs is they are not at all unique. In fact, besides water and reality shows, blogs are the most abundant substance on the face of the planet. If there is ever a nuclear holocaust, cockroaches may take over the world, but at least there will be some guy named Lance continuing his blog about what happened today at his post-apocalyptic gym.

However, blogs are far from the worst part of the Internet. That honor would go to the 40 gazillion message boards/forums that litter the information superhighway. When you consider the fact that I’m an unemployed nerd, you know I spend a lot of my time viewing message boards/freeze framing Star Wars DVDs to look for continuity mistakes. To me, these forums are like a gruesome car accident. You want to turn away and yet the hideous brutality of human nature forces you to stay focused, which is also why “Fear Factor” stays on the air. Well, that and because Joe Rogan made a deal with the devil to be on TV despite his lack of charm or talent. Yet message boards are not about eating pig rectums from piles of rat corpses. They’re about interacting with others to discuss opinions and points of view. In Internet speak, this translates to making fun of someone’s love for something until they weep.

For instance, I’m a big fan of “Lost.” Maybe it’s the ongoing mysteries, the clever writing, or the likeable cast, but I can’t get enough of those way-too-good-looking-to-be-stranded-on-an- island-for-months castaways. Recently, I was reading comments posted on a “Lost” forum. About half of the posts were completely bashing the show, which at best were calling it “poorly executed” and at worst declaring it “teh worst shoe evur…Buffy rulez!!!!” It amazes me how people will take the time to enter a forum about a certain intellectual property only to completely bash said intellectual property. It’s like buying tickets for a Sting concert, driving to the show, and proceeding to boo Sting’s performance in a crowd of thousands of fans. Sure, it’s a lot easier to post insults on a message board, but like the Sting analogy, it’s pointless, no one’s listening, and you’re just sad.

It also seems like posters tend to have the exact opposite response that they should. For example, going back to the “Lost” forums, many fans will often post articulate, well-written theories that require deep thought. Yet nine out of ten posters will rip these theories apart. A friend of mine recently posted a theory referring to The Wandering Jew, a literary reference that goes back for thousands of years. Instead of hearing his suggestion out, he was labeled an anti-Semite. On the other hand, some idiot will post their theory that the others are actually robotic pandas protecting the island’s leprechaun gold from pirates and the boards will explode with cries of “brilliant!”

So, with ubiquitous and pointless blogs, forums that make you wonder how the human race has survived this long, and not to mention spam emails about how your penis sucks , it’s understandable why I’ve always been a little cynical about the Web. Yet here I am, posting my thoughts in another pointless blog. I suppose blogs would be an exciting privilege in countries that limit or completely restrict freedom of speech. So with that in mind, don’t be too harsh on my content (or else you don’t love America).

And for those of you who were linked here from elsewhere, I’m Matthew, I’m a 22-year-old graduate with a communications degree/writing minor, I’m looking for a job in the Columbia, SC area, and I’m newly married. Oh, and I’m feeling silly today, and I’m currently listening to Foghat.